I’m so over life already. Everything I have done or do is never good enough for anyone. I try my best in everything I do and still get treated like shit from my own family and friends. These are the people I suppose to depend on, yeah F-N right!!

I struggled my entire life trying to fit in, trying to feel where I belong and it comes to the point where I don’t even know where I belong. It’s frustrating bc nobody understands and I can’t just talk to anyone about it. I hold in so much inside that I silence out and believe me I can go on not talking to anyone for long period of time.

Uggghhhh sometimes I feel like driving my truck off the cliff!!! Than I realize after having such messed up thoughts that its my kids that comes into mind and it stops me of doing something stupid that can affect their lives one way or another.

I always hoped my husband could understand what I’m going thru and what I’ve been going through but this part of my life he doesn’t understand. So u can see the support on this, NONE!!

I rather just be alone…

I’m being very selective on things now days and I watch who I tell things too and what I want anyone to see. I came to a breaking point bc I am tired of being taken adavantage from people. A great friend of mine pointed it out to me how everyone sees how I am being taken advantage by certain people. It’s not right!!! I work hard all the time. Me when I get into something I commit myself fully and that even means taking sacrifices. But is anyone actually seeing my hard work or appreciating it, I have no idea I just hope people do. Knowing what is going on I feel hurt, torn and working hard for nothing. My husband been really great during this time and he’s been really supportive about what I’m going thru. My husband knows me more than anyone and he knows how I can get when people do me wrong. With that being said I told myself people are not gonna like my bitch side bc I can be a total fucken bitch!!! I can go without talking to a person giving them the meanist cold shoulder as if they don’t exist for a loonnnnng time. Trust me lots of people seen this side of me and they always say they no like go on my bad side. But unfortunately those who are being like that to me is going to see the bitch in me!!

I barely post here but I use this mostly for venting bc i barely have anyone to talk to during the day :( sad my life…..

So today is the 23rd of February.  It’s my oldest brother’s 34th bday as well as my husband’s niece’s 1st bday.  Anyways 3 days ago my MIL calls and tells us if we going to the baby’s party I was like ummmm i don’t think so bc we wasn’t invited and we only now know about it bc my MIL told us.  So my MIL goes on and saying that if our kids like go to party she going take them  with her but I had to draw the F-N line bc I simply told my MIL, “NO!, they are not going, first of all we was not invited, secondly not bc you want to take my kids with you means they are now invited, and third if they really wanted us their they would of invited us as a family so with that being said no my kids are not going.  IDK but I think my MIL was little upset but like WTF, Rudy, me and our kids has been always the out crowd.  IDK why its the way it is but it is.  

I been married to Rudy for 14 years and its like his family never cares about me and my kids.  Too me we are nothing in their eyes and over the years they became nothing in ours.  I not trying to be a bitch about the situation I’m just saying that my kids’ own flesh and blood treat them like shit.  Any mother would feel terrible inside knowing this is what it is.  I hurt for my kids’ bc what did any of us do wrong to be treated they way we do.  I guess this will be left unanswered.  I don’t know what went wrong.  Last I know they only know us when they need something.  It’s crazy how things are.  I believe my husband hurts because this unnecessary drama.

 We go to a family party and everyone they make as if they don’t know who we are, no acknowledgement what so ever.  It becomes very uncomfortable for me and my kids bc we don’t know WTF is everyone’s issue with us.  IDK but I think its jealousy bc everything me and Rudy do and we have we work hard to get it.  When his family see what we have they always try to top it with something better.  Almost like a competition thing.  Weird if you ask me but its true from houses, to clothing to cars/trucks, parties and the list goes on.  they always want to compete against us on everything.  But its like who does that, I don’t compete for materialistic crap.  Its just dumb!!!  More than half of stuff is like 2nd hand and its just stupid to have these so called grown adults act like children ugggghhhhh story of our life!! 

My family and I know we are the out crowd so why fit in when were born to stand out lol ;)

***sorry if you read and there’s errors***

Well not really but I am doing some research why, I have no idea but I’m making use of my “ME” time since I barely have friends. I mean have friends but not close friends to like hang out or go shopping and stuff so like I said I’m researching some things!

I deleted my FB account just now, its day #2 of 2013 and I gotta say I’m dealing with “liars” who loves to lie to me and than “users” who loves to use me and only knows when they want something. I am so tired of the bull shit, I’m human just like everyone else and I do have a heart and my heart has feelings and right now my hearts hurts. So fuck off to those that are ignorantly doing crap like this to me!!!

As so I didn’t want Christmas to come and go but it did. Actually I was hoping it never came and at that very moment I felt selfish and i guess it was bc of being on totally stessful budget. I just was having a melt down not knowing if I could actually Get thru Christmas without feeling sorry for myself. I was at a breaking point where I had to really grasp back my faith. I barely had cash but I gave my family the best Christmas ever :) my kids got everything they needed and few things they wanted. Talk about a joyful heart, I swear..I just wanted to seize the moment forever :)

So we are here at the family Gathering and you no what I rather not be here at all. Its ture I rather be at home. You see the crap I gotta put up with everytime there is a family occassion still continues on. Its really awkward bc everyone could careless about me and my kids. I hate this. I just want to tell everyone to effff off!!! Irrazzz they make us feel not wanted!! Not happy right now!!!

The holiday season is my most favorites time of the year but I have having a lot of mix emotions right about now. I so excited but at the same time not so excited. I’m not trying to draw any negativity but I’m just trying to understand somethings and some people in my life.

Its no where to be found!! If anyone knew what I’ve been going through, they’ll know everything is a bunch of croc!!!